dreams

3 weeks ago today I had a strange dream. I dreamed that I woke up early in the morning and the first thing that I saw was Max, laying in bed next to me. He was so tiny, just the size of my daughters' baby dolls. I stared at him for a few minutes, watching him kick and move his little arms. Then I heard a voice say, "Mama, don't worry. I'm okay. I'm alright. Don't worry, Mama." I reached out for Max, but woke before I could hold him.

Having had two previous losses, including our loss in August, I was certain that this dream was to reassure me that my son was indeed okay. After all, every appointment lead to a healthy heart rate and every ultrasound showed a perfect, healthy, wiggling baby. Amazing how the brain somehow knows what the body tries to deny over and over.

This morning, I had the same dream. I woke up laying on my side with my arm stretched out...reaching for my darling, dearest boy.

random thursday ramblings

I love this picture.

I love this idea for quiet time boxes...why have I never thought of this for Ava?!

I love this puppy...maybe I should just settle for a puppy?

I sense a new project coming on...

Damn you, Martha.

Maybe these would have helped my tea issue yesterday? Meggan, can you help a roomie out?

I need an excuse to make these...Emily's birthday IS coming up after all...

Now I know what to do with the pillowcases from childhood and college.

More Peonies...swoon...

OK...QT is over...sick babies to hold whilst frosting cupcakes (Sprinkles Strawberry, to be exact. Damn you again, Martha).

of tea leaves

This cup of tea would taste much better and be more effective had a remembered to put the tea in the ball before putting the ball in the cup.

That kind of day...

grateful day

I feel exactly the same. But I promise not to talk about that.

I will say that today has been beautiful...the sun has finally come for a vacation in Portland.

So I am grateful for that.

And also for having family close by.

And amazing, wonderful, life saving friends. The kind who will cry with you. And bring you delicious meals. And take the girls to the park. And just hold my hand.

And Ambien...I am very, very grateful for Ambien.

Maxwell John

Maxwell John Barsotti was born this morning. His daddy held him. His mama wept over him.

He is perfect, he is tiny, he is loved. He is our son.

My heart aches for him. My arms long for him.

16 weeks

I was hoping that this was going to be a happy post...today I am 16 weeks 4 days pregnant. Today was the day I was going to come out of the closet, so to speak.

I found out earlier this morning that the baby died.

Again.

I don't really have anything else to say. I think that the worst part is that I know what's coming. I know what's going to happen to me, to my marriage, to my family. Part of me welcomes it as if I deserve it...the part of me that knows that my body is defective in some way.

The rest of me is done, and really can't endure anything else.

Monday Menu Plan

Monday: Kielbasa, Pierogies, and Sauteed Swiss Chard

Tuesday: Bacon and Onion Tart, Spinach Salad, Fruit

Wednesday: Leftover night

Thursday: Spaghetti with homemade Marinara and Meatballs

Friday: Out

Saturday: Waffles, Strawberry Rhubarb Compote, Eggs, Sausages

Sunday: Chicken Enchilada Casserole, Spanish Rice, Fruit

Extras:

Bread
Rhubarb Cobbler
Oatmeal Raisin Cookies
Pickled Grapes